The Mommy Wars

One work-family expert shares her wish for a truce between employed and at-home mothers.
By Ellen Galinsky

I've studied work and family life for more than 20 years, and I'm often asked to address the so-called Mommy Wars -- the tension between employed and at-home mothers. Of the many subjects I speak about, almost nothing heats up a room more than this issue. The principal at one Westchester County, NY, elementary school asked me to intervene when tensions reached a destructive level over issues like the timing of PTA meetings and parent-teacher conferences. In another community, the hostility became so strong that a Brownie troop split into two -- for the daughters of at-home and employed mothers. Surprisingly, work schedules weren't the main reason for doing so: It was the tension between the mothers.

When I am asked to mediate, I typically meet with the at-home and the employed mothers separately at first. The at-home moms tell me they feel like the mop-up act at school, called to volunteer and to pick up sick children. People say, "What are you going to do if your husband leaves you?" And there's the inevitable party question, "What do you do?" One mother learned to say that she was in investments... "investing in the future!"

On the flip side, employed mothers also feel put down, seen as sacrificing their children at the altar of their own materialism and ambition and missing the important moments in their kids' lives. They are even asked, "Why did you have children if you aren't going to be with them?"

I then bring the two groups together, and as I repeat what they've told me, the women nod in recognition. I point out that when people feel devalued, they may want to devalue others and defend the choices they've made. And the realization sets in: "Wait a minute -- if we can't win no matter what we do, maybe we aren't each other's enemies." That's the "Aha" moment! Maybe the real enemy is a society that doesn't value parenthood enough to offer support to every parent, regardless of employment status.

In response, I have two wishes. I wish that parents would band together to encourage one another, avoiding assumptions about the "right" or "wrong" way to do this important job. After all, raising children is scary for everyone, and being a good parent transcends the issue of whether or not you work. My second wish, and one that I am working to make come true, is that the world of work would offer more flexibility without jeopardy -- true flexibility in work hours, in leaves, in part-time work without the penalties that now exist, and in creating more easily traveled roads back into the workforce if and when we leave to raise our children.

Ellen Galinsky is president of the Families and Work Institute, a research organization in New York City. Her books include Ask the Children and The Preschool Years.

Article borrowed from www.Child.com